They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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