I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
