U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
