o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize