no, he came in my armpit
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
