The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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