I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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