he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
