I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
