I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize