i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
