yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize