I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
