Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
