Umm I'm too high to move.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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