why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
