dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
