if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
