dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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