I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
