The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
you never un-have a 4some
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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