I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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