I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
