Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Mom said you looked used
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
