I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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