I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
