I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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