he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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