i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
