it was like his penis was on wheels.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
