dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
