i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
