I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
