apparently the secret to your success is patron
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
