i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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