I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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