there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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