i think i have herpe
just one?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she peed on how many people?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
