apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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