You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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