Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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