Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
