Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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