I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
