Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
