I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
