I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
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