a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
