Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
