NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
