mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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