Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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