I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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