the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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