she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize