I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
wow bdsm is so cute
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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