It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
