Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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