I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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