but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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