plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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