Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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