she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
