OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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