So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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