He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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