I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
